A Holey Honest Review

I have been sitting on this for a bit to see if my mind would change. Turns out it’s not going to. Thar be spoilers ahead so if you haven’t seen Captain Marvel stop reading now.

Let me start off by saying I am very critical of most things, movies included. I didn’t like the first “new” Muppets movie because I could look beyond my love of those felt covered critters and their nostalgia and see that it was just a terrible movie. I only tell you this so you know where I am coming from when I write this review.

I have enjoyed all of the MCU movies. (Some more than others obviously) All of them have some sort of flaw but are usually overshadowed by it’s pros instead of it’s cons. Captain Marvel however is not one of those films so let’s find out what is making me grumpy shall we?

Captain Marvel is an origin story. It’s a lot like Thor or Dr. Strange. Marvel wants you to know who these characters are so when they appear later on you aren’t lost. You can see the bigger Avenger’s films WITHOUT seeing the other movies and accept the fact that these rando super heroes just do amazing things but you will be missing out on some details.

They have been boosting up Captain Marvel because she is apparently a large part of the next Avenger’s film so seeing this movie SEEMS like it’s necessary. All this film does is tell you how she got crazy powers and where she is from (it also tells you how Fury lost an eye but you will regret finding out how).

Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall

The Beatles

Ok, Enough tiptoeing around it. Captain marvel is so full of holes the Beatles might have looked into the future and written a song lyric around it. One thing that irritates me in moves is when characters know how to do things when they should have little to no idea how to do it.

Take the current new Halloween movie (2018). Michael Myers was locked up all his life so WHEN DID HE LEARN TO DRIVE A CAR!? Yes the concept is simple but if you have never done it you are not gonna be a savant right out of the gate. On that I digress, but Captain Marvel is chocked full of these moments for me. Again, look away if you haven’t seen the film.

The movie makes it seems like the Skrulls have spent little to no time on earth. So, much like Mr. Myers, how do THEY know how to drive a car? One of them just hops in and drives away no problem. I’d like to have seen some swerving or hitting a trashcan or something.

In the same vein, Ms. Danvers has no memory of earth but seems to know how to ride a motorcycle no problem. Anyone who has been on one of those knows they are not intuitive machines. If they had shown her riding some sort of “space bike” elsewhere I would have been ok with it. All it takes is an extra inch to justify a lie, especially in a film.

Not all of the crimes are committed by the major characters either. Somehow an 11 year old girl knows how to work alien tech flawlessly when Carol wants to change her costume’s colors. Again, it’s an easy fix. Just show me the kid being taught the interface for another reason earlier on and I am on board.

Those are just the GLARING holes that needed to be filled. Add in some minor stuff like characters seemingly knowing where to find each other on the first try (or by luck) and you get the feeling this movie was thrown together very quickly.

I also want to talk about the soundtrack. It feels like they were going for that Guardians of the Galaxy vintage soundtrack dollar. Someone in a meeting said, “If we toss a bunch of nostalgic popular songs in we can make MILLIONS on just that alone!”. (Also if you think movies aren’t made with this kind of thinking behind them you are a bigger fool than me.) All of the songs felt tacked on and out of place, especially the end battle No Doubt “Just a Girl” addition. I get they were going for a girl power vibe but the song is too quirky for the scene and makes it jarring more than anything.

Look, the film is fine. You should see it, especially if you have seen all of the other MCU offerings. I personally feel it is the weakest of all of them because it’s not a well made piece of cinema. It feels rushed, forced and lazily written. It seems they were just trying to get this formality out of the way so they could justify the character showing up in Avengers: Endgame. At the end of the day, it’s another eye candy comic book movie and if you are into that sort of thing then you should go see it.

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